So… there’s no “Game of Thrones” this week. HBO has decided they didn’t want to waste anyone’s time airing tonight’s episode because really, who wouldn’t rather spend the evening getting bit by mosquitoes, eating seven-hour old, Salmonella-infused chicken, and arguing with drunk relatives about Obamacare than visiting the Seven Kingdoms and beyond, sharing in swordplay and song, gallantry and treason, bloodshed and boobies?
Needless to say, it’s been a rough week in KnippKnopp-land knowing that this void would be filling my Sunday night; and I’m sure it has been for you as well. So I wanted to help you through it by sharing the five stages of a Game of Throneless Sunday. More after the break.
You find yourself moving from HBO to HBO2 to HBO Signatures to HBO Latino, but nothing. The Normal Heart is showing, and sure Mark Ruffalo is great, but unless he is going to turn mean, green, and rip out The Mountain’s heart, well frankly you’re not interested. This has to be a joke right… it’s the Mountain and the Viper… the freakin’ duel we’ve been waiting all season for. Why HBO? Why?
Obviously, this is some kind of test, to show your loyalty. Oh, good one HBO, that’s Tywin Lannister levels of shrewdness there, find out what people are willing to give up. So you call Kableville. Start the negotiations there. Fifteen minutes later, you’re signed up for the full package, all channels including the Crochetting Network and Bass Fisherman Review Channel.
But it’s worth it because you’re going to see Oberyn kick the Mountains ass, and he and Tyrion are going to celebrate by getting ALL the boobies in Kings Landing, and… wait… what? The cable provider has nothing to do with scheduling? You still have to wait until next week?
Well played, Kableville, well played with that fine print. Now you realize you should have gone right to the source, to HBO itself. So you show up at the Avenue of the Americas, with your kings blood sacrifice ready, but for some reason New York City police have a problem with you setting funeral pyres on Sixth Avenue and your wife refuses to give birth to a smoke monster, so you are thwarted once again.
The unfairness of it all becomes overwhelming, and for several minutes everything you see is through the blood red haze of fury. And because you’re not Pedro Pascal, it’s not the cool, seething fury honed to a fine edge over the years, but the fury of the Mountain. You grab your replica Oathkeeper longsword (only $246.99 at Kabelville Shopping Network) and proceed to behead your entire collection of Game of Thrones bobble-heads, the life-sized signed cardboard cutout of Peter “Littlefinger” Baelish, and the Applejack costume from your My Little Brony cos-play days (don’t ask). Finally you drop your sword, fall to your knees, and wail:
All is lost, you realize this now. There is no hope. Winter is coming and it doesn’t matter who wins the War of the Kings because it’s only a matter of time before the White Walkers are here and we’re handing over our sons to attend Freezemeister Academy. You wander the house, dragging your useless sword behind you and annoying your wife every time you walk past her muttering, “Yes, we paid the iron price, didn’t we?” You realize naming your dog “Ghost” was stupid, because he’s not a dire wolf, he’s a basset hound, and he’s never going to tear the throat out of a wight, unless that wight is lying prone and has his neck smeared with peanut butter. And you further realize that there’s no point even watching TV tonight, or even to be awake, so you get ready for bed even though it’s only 5 PM… really what’s the point.
Then you realize: Arya, Sansa, and Bran all still live, in much worst circumstances then you, and yet they still hope. Why last week, Sansa actually smiled in memory as the snow fell around her. Wait, Arya smiled too…. granted, it was while running a man through with a sword, but still, it was a smile. And if those kids can go on, after all the seven hells they’ve gone through, so can you. After all, it’s only one week! June 1st will be here before you know it. And just think… this gives you plenty of time to work on your “Game of Thrones” fan fiction!
So don’t worry GOT fans, we can get through this, together! And in only seven short days we’ll be able to see the Viper and the Mountain (go Team Oberyn)