WWE Fastlane is Sunday night, and I have said for years we don’t need it. It doesn’t make sense to have another gigantic event in between Elimination Chamber and WrestleMania. Spend that time protecting your superstars, driving up ratings, and building up storylines on the television products. That being said, this year’s Fastlane looks like a great card with some interesting bouts lined up. Here’s a look at the event with my predictions for the matches. I am terrible at predicting things, so this will be a lot of fun to look back on Monday morning.
Rey Mysterio v Andrade — Get your face in front of a screen for the kickoff show, because this match is going to be a corker. Andrade and Mysterio dislike each other for wrestling reasons. With both of them specialists in the acrobatic lucha libre style, expect lots of jumps from the top rope and weird submission attempts. I think Andrade will come out on top, also because wrestling.
The Revival (c) v Aleister Black & Ricochet v Bobby Roode & Chad Gable (Raw tag team championship) — I’m supposed to like the champion team of The Revival because they’re old school. Their motto is “No flips, just fists.” That sounds like an adult movie to me. Roode and Gable are okay, but Gable would be much better as a singles competitor. The team is midcard, and bottom tier at that. I think the team of Black and Ricochet will take the titles because they’re new, they’re impressive, and they need those belts to really get over. Chalk one up for the NXT community.
Boss ‘N Hug Connection (c) v Nia Jax & Tamina (Women’s Tag Team Championship) — Sasha Banks and Bayley defend their championship against Jax and Tamina, a team I call Gimme Samoan. Yes, Busta Rhymes references are still funny to me. The Samoans are big and strong but, even after over a decade in the business, Tamina is awful. She doesn’t dive as much as she falls from the top rope, hoping her opponent is somewhere nearby. Nia has gotten better. Trust your feelings. You know this to be true. I still think Sasha and Bayley will come out with the win, but it will be a hard fought match, in which Tamina will not be a factor.
The Usos (c) v The Miz & Shane McMahon (SmackDown Tag Team Championship) — The Miz’s father will be ringside for this match. Shane McMahon is nearing the end of his in-ring career. Let humiliation win the day for that team. Both Miz and Shane will lose in front of their fathers. Get ready for another stint in the Uso Penitentiary as the Usos retain their titles.
Asuka (c) v Mandy Rose (SmackDown Women’s Championship) — Asuka scares the bejesus out of me. She’s fast, vicious, and she yells at people in Japanese. She also wears that mask with the green goo dripping from the eyeholes. It gives me nightmares. Asuka is one of the best female performers on the main roster. But she’s going to lose to Mandy Rose, because Vince likes Mandy. She’s blonde.
The Shield v Drew McIntyre, Baron Corbin and Bobby Lashley (Final Shield match) — Since Dean Ambrose is leaving the company after WrestleMania, it makes sense to get one final pop out of the crowd and have The Shield go over big. The biggest swerve would be if Uncle Deano decided to stay with WWE. This will be a match full of Superman Punches, Dirty Deeds, and Curbstomps (if we’re lucky). The Shield will win, but Ambrose will get the guacamole beaten out of him.
Becky Lynch v Charlotte Flair — Here’s a weird match. If Becky wins, she gets added to the WrestleMania match between Charlotte and current champ, Ronda Rousey. If Becky loses, I don’t know. I guess she wrestles Tamina. Ronda and Becky have been tearing each other new elimination chambers on social media lately, and it would be a tremendous missed opportunity if The Man didn’t beat The Queen. We’ll get that triple threat match at Mania, and I think someone’s going to get busted open Sunday night. Becky wins. The bell rings. Ronda runs in, punches everybody, then tells everyone not to believe the scripted match they just watched. Never mind that she showed up at an event where she had no match. That was probably planned for days. So, being unscripted is now in the script? Okay. I don’t know what’s going on, either.
Daniel Bryan (c) v Kevin Owens (WWE Championship) — Vince McMahon himself chose the returning Kevin Owens to replace fan favorite Kofi Kingston in this match. We’re supposed to hate Daniel Bryan because he likes to recycle and eat clean food. We’re supposed to like Kevin Owens because he has cute kids and enjoys popcorn at the movies. And where is Kofi? He’s at home, washing his tights! Will we get Kofi against Bryan at Mania? One can only hope. Bryan wins, with assistance from Rowan.
If you’re going to watch WWE Fastlane, watch it with me! I’ll be tweeting along with the show, more than likely ripped to the gills. Other people will be saying smarter things, but at least I’m going to have fun with this thing. Oh, yes, there will be spoilers.
The final chance to pee and get snacks on the road to WrestleMania, WWE Fastlane, begins at 7 PM EST Sunday, March 10, on the WWE Network. The kickoff show begins an hour earlier.