Heroes & Villains Presents the Barber of Biff Bam Pop

As of this writing we’re a week away from Diamond’s target date to resume shipping new comics to retailers. Comics are returning to our local comic shops. We were the real virus all along.

While I’ve been assured I have carte blanche to write about whatever I damn well please, I do feel a bit rudderless when I’m not writing about comics. Maybe it’s due to some underlying fear about growing as a writer or maybe it’s because I desire structure. Having a set gig, or routine to bring order to the chaos is something I crave. It’s Tuesday…On Tuesdays, we write columns about comics.

And now…the weather.

Haha…good one Dave. Yet another beautiful day out there.

Meanwhile, in Michigan, it fucking snowed the other day. In the middle of May. It was a trace amount but, still, it snowed and we set a record. Even though I’ve lived here all my life I’m starting to understand why people leave here for locations in the United States with scorching heat, hurricanes, tropical storms, and the like.

Over the weekend I was leaving my place to go and pick up takeaway breakfast for my mother (because I am a good and dutiful son) and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror/key hook I have near my front door. I’ll gloss over the fact that I look like a crazy hermit that has not shaved in weeks if not months and go right to the big picture. The key hook, in addition to my keys, now holds my face mask, gloves, and hat. All things that I’ve deemed necessary for leaving the house.

One of the many buzzwords flying around out there is THE NEW NORMAL which really just translates to “the shit I have to put up with now so I can go to Walmart and buy something I probably could have waited a month for.” Leaving my house is a daunting prospect these days, as I’m sure it is for many of you. I’ve taken to making lists to ensure that I’ll get everything I need to minimize the need I have to go out to the store. I’ve also switched to shopping for the long term instead of doing a weekly grocery run like I used to.

Hell, as they say, is other people. The supermarket I frequent is usually fairly busy and they’ve enacted various measures for THE NEW NORMAL which includes one-way aisles and the state of Michigan’s requirement that a face covering is required to be inside a store. Around 90% of patrons adhere to this and the remains 10% straight up do not give a shit. Mentally, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt but it feels like there’s some next-level obliviousness at work here.

Being in relative isolation for so long leads to questionable avenues of thought. I’ve gone an…indeterminate length of time without shaving. Perhaps the longest stretch of time since I’ve been able to grow facial hair. The results, if I can call them that, leave much to be desired.

While it’s not the best look, I’ve decided to keep it going but clean it up a bit. The trimmer I own is ancient and would no doubt mangle my face so I decided it would be a good idea to order a straight razor (there’s that questionable avenue of thought I mentioned above). Mind you, I’ve never used a straight razor before in my life and I usually believe they should be relegated to movies about the Old West and guys that are a little too into shaving.

At any rate, I thought it would be the only way to clean up what was threatening to become a neckbeard (which would eventually cement me as a “true” comics journalist) and I set to work.

It was, without a doubt, one of the most nerve-wracking experiences of my life. I was never going to be a surgeon in life but you really don’t know how shaky your hands actually are until you’re holding a razor to your own neck.

In the end, I only managed to nick myself once but caused no lasting damage. If word of this gets out I’m sure to be branded a “soy boy beta cuck” that cannot even trim his own beard and should consider laser hair removal as a safer alternative.

Hey! Here’s some comics news!

Marvel’s Black Widow movie has been pushed to November 6th which is fine, I guess. However, I’m not sure if I’ll be ready to go back to the movies by then and I used to love going to the movies. At this point, I can’t even remember the last movie I went to the theatre for as my memory has grown a little bit hazy and the days have been split into either “weekend” or “not weekend.” It may have been The Rise of Skywalker which I took my dad to see right before it ended its theatrical run.

In other comics-related movie news, I saw some chatter about The New Mutants popping up as coming soon to rent on the Amazon streaming app in error before it got yanked down. It’s not a great position to be in since New Mutants got possibly the rawest of deals as part of the Disney/Fox merger and now exists in a state of perpetual release-limbo (Pun? Judges…? We’ll count it!) thanks to the virus. I’m sure it’ll see the light of day eventually and I may just have to put on a hazmat suit to go and see it.

Hopefully next week I’ll have some new Marvel and/or DC stuff to write about!

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