It’s Independence Day in the States. We celebrate our freedom from England, whom we love now, by shooting off tons of fireworks. Never mind how the loud sounds might affect our war veterans or our pets, we’re still going to do it because America! And there’s nothing more American than professional wrestling, even though it started in France. Some wrestlers became popular simply because of their patriotism. Because I’m outside charring slabs of meat over a fire, I can’t give you the kind of insightful wrestling discussion you’ve become accustomed to. It’s a holiday! I should be drunk by now. So, here are five wrestlers who loved America, because they were American, and America.
When you call yourself The Patriot, you better love your country, by God! Del Wilkes made a career out of being an American citizen. He wrestled under a stars and stripes mask. You couldn’t even look at the guy without thinking of The Star Spangled Banner. Wilkes even wrestled in WCW as part of a tag team called Stars and Stripes. His partner was Marcus Alexander Bagwell, who later became one of the American Males. Do you see the pattern here? Because it’s red, white, and blue, brother.
Kurt Angle was an actual by god Olympian, an American wrestler from the start. Angle wore his gold medal to the ring. He may as well have wrapped himself in an American flag instead of his flashy tri-colored singlet. Angle embodied all the traits of a real patriot, including using The Patriot’s entrance theme for a few years. He loved authority, arrogance, and milk. He also won his spot on the Olympic wrestling team while suffering from a “broken freakin’ neck.” He said that a lot. At least he wasn’t addicted to painkillers oh wait he was. That’s all finished now, though, and Angle is retired from the business. Until he comes back during a Royal Rumble. Face it, no one ever really retires from wrestling.
WWF pushed Lex “Made in the USA” Luger as Hulk Hogan Lite. After Hogan left the company, Vince McMahon and the boys stuck Luger in a damn tour bus called the Lex Express. The bus was red, white, and blue and looked like a Bomb Pop. Luger looked good in his flag trunks and knee pads, but never got a clean victory over his nemesis, the evil sumo wrestler, Yokozuna. Luger had his share of problems, including getting arrested for trying to get to Manitoba without obtaining permission to leave the country from his probation officer. Guess who Luger was with? That’s right! Marcus “American Male” Bagwell! Oh, it all comes together like a pot luck potato salad.
Hacksaw Jim Duggan
I don’t have a bad thing to say about Hacksaw Jim Duggan. He comes to the ring with an American flag and a 2X4. Duggan gets the USA chants going, yells like he’s in basic training, and whomps the hell out of his opponents. He ran through a gauntlet of foreign bad guys back in the day. Dino Bravo. Boris Zhukov. Tanaka and Sato. Hacksaw was about as American as you could get without actually joining the military or a church. Plus, he’s a genuinely nice guy. Make time to meet him one of these days.
Even his theme song said it: “I am a real American.” That makes the rest of us unreal Americans, I suppose. In his prime, Hulk Hogan represented the might of the USA. He took his vitamins, said his prayers, and lusted after his best friend’s girlfriend. Hogan beat the hell out of damn near everyone who came his way, including Andre the Giant. Andre was from France, the infamous enemy of freedom and America in general. Now, after the release of a sex tape, lawsuits, and his utterance of racist statements, Hogan has been keeping a bit of a low profile. For a while there, though, he was as American as apple pie. Even though apple pie was originally an English dish. Weren’t we talking about Britain at the beginning of this article? We’ve come full circle now!