It’s High Holy Days for wrestling fans as WWE swoops down on New York to present WrestleMania weekend. The colossal event happens Sunday, March 7. From what we can tell by the number of matches on the card, WrestleMania is going to be eleventy-nine hours long. Before the big day, Jeffery X Martin and Richard Kirwin made their predictions for each WrestleMania match. Could this be the show where WWE actually gives the fans what they want?
Women’s Battle Royal
JXM: Pretty much every female performer who isn’t in another match is in this one. Who wins?
RK: Asuka. She already forgot she just lost a title this week on SmackDown Live, which was odd, but she could use this to get back in the hunt. Or they put Mandy over because Vince likes blondes.
JXM: I want Nikki Cross to win because I want Nikki Cross to win everything.
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
JXM: Strowman has the edge on this, because he’s Braun Strowman, but it wouldn’t surprise me if Colin Jost wins, then somehow loses the trophy on RAW the next night.
RK: I’d say Braun after one of the SNL guys turns on the other one. I’d watch if everyone but the final five in each match were getting future endeavoured.
Cruiserweight Championship — Buddy Murphy (c) vs. Tony Nese
JXM: I still say Tony Nese is really Damien Sandow, abs or not. But I don’t see Buddy Murphy dropping the title to Nese.
RK: Murphy, I guess, but I’m not really following the story. So, maybe Nese has heat coming in that I don’t know about. I think it is funny that the cruiserweight title match is two fairly ripped white guys and not a couple of luchadors or at least a pair of flyers. The 205 number is weird when they make a point of announcing the weight of guys like Ricochet and Ali as less than 200 pounds.
Kurt Angle vs. Baron Corbin (Angle’s Retirement Match)
JXM: I know it’s customary to leave the company on your back, but they’ve made such a big deal about Angle’s retirement, I can’t believe they would send him out with a loss to Baron Fucking Corbin.
RK: Angle has to win, right? Corbin has the wrong kind of heat. It’s go away heat, not heel heat.
The Miz vs. Shane McMahon (Falls Count Anywhere)
JXM: Face Miz wins, and Miz’s dad teabags Shane on the WrestleMania sign.
RK: Miz. Again, he has to, right? Shane will jump off some shit, we go home.
Women’s Tag Team Championship — Sasha Banks & Bayley (c) vs. Beth Phoenix & Natalya vs. Nia Jax & Tamina Snuka vs. The IIconics
JXM: Man, won’t it be a hoot when the IIconics pick up the titles?
RK: They are pretty great. That pose thing they do with the belts would be money.
JXM: I think so, but it won’t happen. The Glamazon and the Crazy Cat Lady will walk out as champs. But that’s going to set up the program with the Boss ‘n Hug Connection, which is great. Heel Bayley is Best Bayley.
RK: I have to say, couldn’t this have been a straight two on two match? I guess it is less than the Chamber match, at least. Sasha and Bayley retain because it’s their first defense.
SmackDown Live Tag Team Championship — The Usos (c) vs. Ricochet & Aleister Black vs. The Bar vs. Shinsuke Nakamura & Rusev
JXM: Blackochet gets the win after losing to War Raiders at TakeOver.
RK: I would like to see them throw The Revival in and do another winner take all match. I feel like Black and Ric have to win because, otherwise, they lose all three tag title matches in one week. Assuming they don’t go over at TakeOver, of course.
JXM: They won’t. They’ll lose to Hanson and Mr. Logan to cement their exit from NXT and pick up the titles. They’ve got the good heat.
RK: They do, unless they lose or do 50/50 and get to that middle booking land where most NXT guys end up living on the main roster.
JXM: I don’t think so. They’re too charismatic.
RK: I see your charismatic and raise you a Vince McMahon.
United States Championship — Samoa Joe (c) vs. Rey Mysterio
JXM: Rey should pull this one out, methinks. Joe will avoid the 619 a couple times, but he’ll succumb eventually.
RK: Dominic reveals he was Eddie’s kid all along and Joe goes over.
Intercontinental Championship — Bobby Lashley (c) vs. Demon Finn Balor
JXM: The Demon only shows up when Balor is primed to win. Besides, Lashley is bland whether he’s a good or bad guy, and Mania is about fan service. Balor picks up the title.
RK: I’d like to point out that Balor is wearing demon garb in the promo for his match now, as I predicted.
JXM: I was just about to say that. So, the Demon goes over, yeah?
RK: Again, he has to. I feel most of the matches are booked into a corner where the babyfaces have to go over.
Triple H vs. Batista (No Holds Barred; Triple H’s career on the line)
JXM: Batista loses after Trips carries him through the whole match. Look for sledgehammers, maybe a little bit of blood.
RK: Rocket Racoon turns on Drax and Thanos goes over. I mean, Hunter wins because he wants to.
JXM: Hunter wins because Hunter. Yeah. No way he’s giving everything up for Bootista.
RK: Who wants this match?
JXM: Nobody wants this match. No one. Not even Hunter wants it.
RK: It will go long, too. So much brawling.
JXM: Sledgehammers and badly edited cursing.
AJ Styles vs. Randy Orton
JXM: Their face to face promos have been aces. Technically, this will be a great match when AJ is in control. If Randy is in control, you are safe to go pee. Orton wins by boring AJ to death with restholds. Randy ruins everything.
RK: I think Randy gets this one. Some heels have to win and this is a way to make that happen. I also think AJ has cooled off a lot in the past few months and needs to go away for a bit. People hate on Randy, but I think he’s great. He works when he has to.
JXM: That’s the problem. He works when he has to. He just phones it in the rest of the time.
RK: Plus, AJ is going to eat that RKO like it’s me at a Pizza Hut lunch buffet.
Roman Reigns vs. Drew McIntyre
RK: I mean… Roman? How does he not win this match?
JXM: I say Drew. Then, they finally finish the program at SummerSlam and the two become tag partners.
RK: See what I mean by ‘booked into a corner?’ The guy coming off cancer can’t lose his first singles match.
WWE Championship — Daniel Bryan (c) vs. Kofi Kingston
JXM: Kofi has the momentum, but that means nothing for Kingston. He’s such a good underdog. It’s thoroughly plausible to thing Bryan retains, but again, fan service. Get ready for Champion Kofi.
RK: Kofi has to win or what was the point? I really, really hope they let this thing ride. He had so much support last night. My biggest fear is that this will be a Big E heel turn rather than letting the moment be what it is.
JXM: Ooh, that would be rough. Maybe he won’t turn until Tuesday’s SmackDown Live.
RK: Or wait a month. But Kofi doesn’t have to go through the barbershop window just yet, you know? Let these guys remain friends and just roll for a bit.
JXM: Right. Don’t Jannetty the guy yet.
RK: I do want Kofi to enter to his old music though, just for fun. And no pancakes.
JXM: No. It’s New York. Just big pieces of pizza.
RK: I just want him to take this seriously. No unicorns, no cereal, this should feel huge.
Universal Championship — Brock Lesnar (c) vs. Seth Rollins
JXM: The temptation not to care about this match is gigantic. It’s a Lesnar match. He’ll cuss too much and hit German suplexes. But it’s time for Brock to drop that title. Rollins may not need the title, but he deserves it. Rollins wins. Heyman weeps. Lesnar gets his check and goes home.
RK: I want to say Rollins. But, never underestimate how far they will go for Brock. I really want to never see Brock or Heyman again at this point. The act is so tired.
JXM: I love Heyman. Hope he comes back with Shayna Baszler.
RK: She can speak for herself.
JXM: I am always ready for Lesnar to drop the title. I’m so tired of Bork Liebner hopping up and down like a damned frog.
RK: Rollins should have been the guy by now.
JXM: WWE is Feel Good, Inc., right?
RK: For this event, I think so. Then, a brand split and, I hope, a massive house cleaning and talent refresh.
Raw Women’s Championship — Ronda Rousey (c) vs. Becky Lynch vs. Charlotte Flair (Winner Takes All) (Main Event)
JXM: This is going to blow the arena away. When Becky Lynch stumbles up the ramp with both of those belts over her shoulders, fireworks blasting into the air, I am going to cry like I just saw Old Yeller for the first time. It’s happening. It had better happen. I’ve been calling this match the MAN Event for weeks. I hope to be proven right.
RK: Has to be Becky, closing the show with both belts. Maybe even a Horsewoman thing with Sasha and Bayley. But the crowd is going to be so tired at that point.
JXM: No, they can all nap during the Lesnar match.
RK: Going to be tough, is all I’m saying. Someone is getting shit on by that crowd. Maybe that’s what Corbin is for.
JXM: Corbin always gets shit on. I think he likes it. Bonus question, and it’s a two-parter.
RK: Hit me.
JXM: Does “Big Match John” Cena show up and, if so, who will his opponent be?
RK: No match, but either him or Undertaker is going to beat up Elias, because he is going to get a segment, too. It makes sense. Or he tosses Corbin off the ramp and works Angle.
JXM: Oh! Good call! Didn’t even think of that! As much as I want to watch Cena v Angle in a Ruthless Aggression match, I’m afraid it would just be John carrying Kurt for twelve minutes. I think Brutus Beefcake goes over Cena. It’s a squash. Then he cuts off Cena’s hair. Fan service!
RK: Who is a Brutus Beefcake fan at this point?
JXM: No one.