I hate dolls. I hate the way they seem to multiply, especially if you’ve raised daughters. You start with a few, and next thing you know you have a few dozen. I hate the way they stare at you with those soulless eyes and knowing grins. I hate the way they hover above your bed and taunt you with their ghostly little voices.
Most of all, I hate how close they can look like actual people. Like empty jars that provide temporary hospice to some wandering demon or lost spirit just before they jump into an unsuspecting dad whose only crime was burying them in a shallow grave under the light of a blood moon.
And I’m guessing I’m not the only one suffering from pediophobia, since there are dozens, if not hundreds, of movies about the hideous, little plastic and porcelain monstrosities. Here are some of the worst.
Barbarella Chomper Dolls
Imagine you are eight years old, watching Barbarella, a nice little movie about a sexy lady space ranger, a sexy angel-dude, and some sort of machine that can kill you via orgasm. Just good 1970s network family entertainment, and then these little shits show up.
I really have no clue exactly what that scene was about and why those scuzzy little kids wanted Jane Fonda dead, but look at those things. It’s like a zombie virus infected Disney’s It’s a Small World village. And it’s not just the empty eyes and their clockwork, automaton movement and sharp little teeth. They bark, and screech and leap like a pack of rabid chihuahuas. I should be able to laugh it off, but the clomp clomp clomp of their jaws haunts my dreams still. The root of my doll hatred most definitely started here.
Fats from Magic
I’m not even sure I watched the movie Magic as a kid. I just remember the trailer, which has gone a long way towards ruining ventriloquist acts from Edgar Bergen to Jeff Dunham for me forever.
Technically, Fats isn’t really a haunted/possessed doll. He’s a physical manifestation of Anthony’s Hopkins’ psychosis, (sort of a wooden version of Mama Bates) but dang he’s creepy. With all due respect to Twilight Zone‘s Willie and R.L. Stine’s Slappy and Dead Silence‘s Billy (I’m sensing a trend here), none of them can compete with Fats’ creepitude. Look at that lank hair, those piercing eyes, that sweater/gingham shirt collar combination. Plus any doll that can take out both Rocky Balboa’s trainer and Hannibal Lecter is pretty damn scary in my book.
That Stupid Clown from Poltergeist
The parents on 1982’s Poltergeist are by far the worst. They buy a house built over the graveyard of some forgotten 19th century cult. When the spirits start rearranging furniture, they laugh it off as good, clean fun. And finally they make a conscious decision to bring this thing into their house:
I mean, even if you didn’t live in a house where the trees try to eat your kid and televisions are portals to some slime-filled alternate dimension, you wouldn’t buy this thing, unless you had every intention of it coming alive and murdering someone. I just need to know what nine-year old Robbie did to make Craig T. Nelson hate him enough to plop this next to his bed? He must have really deserved it.
The Zuni Fetish Doll from Trilogy of Terror
The 70s were weird. I mean really, really weird. How weird? This weird:
That, my friends, is “He Who Kills” from Trilogy of Terror, just your every day aboriginal warrior looking for love in the big city. This guy has all the doll aspects I hate: scurrying movement, stabby teeth, and just when you think you’ve beaten the damn thing, you breathe in his charred remains get possessed by the malevolent spirits within. (and end up spending a fortune on dental work).
Talky Tina – The Twilight Zone
Long before Chucky first asked Andy if he wanted to play, Talky Tina terrorized Telly Savalas in the Twilight Zone episode “The Living Doll.” This is one dolly who don’t play…
Talky Tina is pretty much indestructible, taking on a series of torture devices ranging from a vice grip to a circular saw to a blow torch, and all it really does is piss her off. Telly really didn’t have a chance. Unlike the other dolls on this list, she might be playing for the good guys, since young Kojak is a bit of an ass and really deserves every bit of the beat down Tina lays on him. Still, you should take it as word of warning, if your step-daughter’s doll says she wants to kill you, it might be time to reconsider your relationship with her mother.
Do you fear these dolls like I do? Which ones scare you the most. Let us know in the comments. And Happy Halloween!