The Week in Horror: All the Modern Conveniences

Does it even matter, fiends? Have any of you even taken a shower during your Darkwing Duck binge since Disney+ launched? Is there even any horror news out there that doesn’t include “spooky offerings on Disney+?” We shall dig our heels in, wipe the dried cereal off our shirts, and find out!

First off, let’s talk about Blumhouse’s upcoming stab at Black Christmas because it has gotten itself slapped with a big ol’ PG-13 by the MPAA. Oh no! Christmas is ruined! No good horror is ever not rated R! First off, sit down down and shut up. PG-13 is not the kiss of death for any horror movie and PG-13 horror isn’t killing the genre. Poltergeist was PG, for God’s sake. And if there’s anything I hate more than trolls crying about a rating, it’s trolls crying about a movie being “woke.” “Oh this looks like more SJW/woke/feminist bull shit.” Dude, you can’t suck my dick hard enough. Did you even watch the original Black Christmas? Or did you identify with the killer-an unseen, personality-light, sociopath that hates women? Actually, that sounds like you when you complain about feminism. Get help! The new Black Christmas looks really good and hey, I can take my daughter to see this one, who I’m not quite ready to show the original too. I feel like the trailer gives away a lot of the movie, so watch it at your own risk, but I’m into the new direction and I’ll be supporting it in theatres. Black Christmas drops on Friday the 13th this December, directed by Sophia Takal. Watch out for my Dead of Winter review of the original 1974 Black Christmas, next month here at Biff Bam Pop!

When 8 celebrities from around the globe are invited to compete in an online reality show, they soon realize that they are playing for their very lives, as those voted off suffer horrific consequences, broadcast live to the entire world.

I’m not sure but it seems that this Swedish horror film Funhouse came out in its native country in October but will reach North America in 2020. I hadn’t heard a word about this one until today and I’m a little on the fence about how interested I am in it-as I’ve seen a number of Oh-Shit-Its-real flicks lately. That said this Big Brother/Cabin in the Woods mash-up looks pretty decent.

My daughter actually tipped me off to Countdown (in theatres now). It’s a bit of an update/play off of The Ring or Final Destination in that Death has a design, but in Countdown, where a seemingly harmless app tells you when you’re going to die and then kills you at your appointed time, it’s about trying to beat that clock. I do have a knee-jerk reaction to whenever new technology becomes a plot point in a story, just look at the use of computers in the 1980s and 90s horror films (Lawnmower Man, bleh), but this is a good trailer and it hooked me, even if the concept is a little shaky.

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