The posters went up a week ago. $15.00 for a half-hour of Kevin Smith Q&A, a Clerks 2 screening, and a chance to drink beer legally at the Bloor Cinema on a Sunday night. It was a no-brainer.
The house was packed with geeks of all shapes and sizes, decked out in their too-small XXXL Batman shirts and pants just long enough to avoid flood damage. Before the show started the night’s MC, a young Bloor Cinema employee, took the stage to announce that Watchmen was going to be airing at the Bloor in a sneak-preview a few days before it hit the rest of the country. The place shrieked in unison and I could smell pants being peed.
The film started at 10pm sharp, and as I watched the opening scene (Dante and Quick-Stop in black & white) I realized that even though I had seen all of Smith’s movies, this was only the second I’d seen on the big screen – the original Clerks being the first. Kevin Smith films didn’t need to be seen at the theatres for full price, I always figured, very few comedies did. I was dead-wrong. The crowd was electric. It seemed as though none of them had seen the film before, but I was sure this was not true. These were Smith fans, and the Smith fans I know watch all of his movies repeatedly. My wife and I had seen the film several times before, but we laughed harder at our fifth viewing at The Bloor than we did the previous four. Something to do with the crowd I guess.
Anyhow, the film was great, the Quick-Stop was reborn, and the lights returned to The Bloor. An incredibly heavy and sweaty Kevin Smith walked down the aisle beside us, called up surprise-guest Jason Mewes, and started the Q&A. Now I don’t go to these things often so I don’t know if this is the norm, but the Q&A was funnier than the movie – and the movie was damn funny (donkey-show funny!) Smith took often mundane questions and wove them into a tapestry of filth and depravity akin to, well, a Kevin Smith movie. He was quick, and dirty, and dry (also, strangely, just like a donkey-show).
There was one clear highlight for me. The question was asked by a 21 year-old, who asked Smith how he could write dialogue that didn’t sound like it was written by a 22year old. After a bit of rambling Smith told the kid that his problem, personally, was that he didn’t get a lot of experience when he was young – that he just started making films. He brought up Chasing Amy, how he was the guy who freaked out when he was dating girls that had more sexual experience than he had. The “how many c–s have you sucked” line from Clerks was him as well. “I was able to leave that behind after Chasing Amy,” he told us, “I used to want vestal virgins, but that changed.” After that, and I am paraphrasing here, he talked about reaping the rewards of his girlfriend’s past conquests – “that thing you learned f—–g that guy in Bali – transfer it to this c–k here.” To sum up, he told the kid to take a year off and try everything – to f–k a lot of girls, and suck a few c—s too. “If I had left Jersey and traveled I would have sucked a few c–s, I am sure. I am a very oral guy – I suck my wife’s c-t like it’s a c–k.” He told the boy to go off and suck some c–k, and then come back and write, and nobody would confuse his writing with a 21 year-old’s.
It was pure Kevin Smith.