These Aren’t The Vampires I’m Looking For: Andy Burns On Why Twilight Is Bad For Bloodsuckers

So Eclipse, the third film in the Twilight series, opens today. I know I’m going to come off sounding old and in the way of the youngsters but can someone please explain Twilight to me, becauzs I just can’t figure it out for the life of me. That doesn’t mean I haven’t tried, mind you. Lord, how I’ve tried.

I think I’ve sat through that first film four times now, always with my wife on DVD, and let me tell you, it just doesn’t ever improve on repeat viewings. Robert Pattinson’s Edward Cullen is neither funny nor charming, while Kristen Stewart’s Bella has got to be the worst female character in years for young girls to look up to. Where is her spine or soul? She is so desperate to be with Edward that she totally throws away any semblance of self. The first Twilight film either leaves me angry or depressed, depending on my mood while watching. Though I will once again admit that watching R-Pat play distraught and tormented is hilariously funny every time.

As for the whole vampire thing, let me just say that in no uncertain terms the usage of vampires in Twilight is complete and utter bullshit. To the unassuming masses who don’t know, allow me to educate. Vampires don’t shimmer. They don’t walk in the sunlight, I don’t care how freaking overcast it is outside. They are undead, immortal and drink blood. And once again, they don’t go out during the day! Why couldn’t Twilight author Stephanie Meyers have called her creatures something else? Why does she have to ruin hundreds of years of myth and legend by calling these daywalkers vampires? There are young people everywhere going around thinking all vampires are shiny and sparkly and listen to Debussy. The horror.

It’s not like you can’t do great romance stories with vampires and humans. With his magnificent work on Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Joss Whedon created vampires who were dark and sexy and romantic and contemporary without losing what makes them such appealing creatures to begin with. Meanwhile, the romance between Buffy and Angel and later Buffy and Spike worked because you could believe these immortal creatures would be attracted to a smart and strong woman like Buffy. Can you say the same thing about Edward and Bella? I don’t think so.

New Moon, the second Twilight film, is marginally better than the first, though I absolutely despised it upon seeing it in the theaters last fall. Maybe being able to talk through it while watching the DVD helps. Me, if I’m picking sides, I’m Team Jacob all the way. At least Jake has some balls. For whatever reason the guy wants to be with Bella and won’t take her rebuffs in New Moon lying down. He fights for her, even though he knows he can’t win, and he questions why Bella would want to be with someone as dour and depressing as Edward in the first place. Plus, Jake and I have similar chest hair issues.

I’m sure I will see Eclipse at some point, whether in the theater or on DVD, but I’m in no hurry. I’ve done my wikipediaing. I know how the whole thing ends. I just hope that somehow the teenage girls who think Twilight is the be all and end all when it comes to vampires realize sometime soon that the real bloodsuckers don’t moan about the agony of their love or want to marry their prey. They hunger and want to feed. All the time.

And they don’t go outside during the day!

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