I never thought it would happen to me, but my wife and I have become cat owners. Maybe they own us. That balance of power is still unclear. Keeping the cats occupied is a challenge. Right now, I am their favorite toy. Twitch, our orange cat, likes to jump on me while I’m working. Lots of time is spent fighting for control of my arms because she thinks I should pet her all the time. When he isn’t leaping onto my stomach, our grey and white cat, CD, watches every move we make from the top of the cabinets like a gargoyle. Needless to say, we need cat toys. Maybe you do, too! There’s some interesting stuff out there for cat owners. Perhaps these will tickle your fancy.
Automatic Cat Laser
Remember those awesome turret guns from Aliens? They operated off of motion sensors and blasted the ever-livin’ acid blood out of any xenomorph that came within range. Imagine that, except it’s an automatic laser pointer for your cat. It even has cat ears! You can activate different color lasers for reasons I don’t quite understand! Set the thing on a shelf or stick it to a window. Laugh like a monster while your cat tuckers itself out chasing that shiny attainable Fata Morgana! You won’t have to lift a finger! Who needs streaming services when you have a tired and frustrated cat for entertainment? It’s fun for all ages, just like throwing cheese on a baby’s face!
Order your Automatic Cat Laser toy thing here.
Cat Towels
Cats and water go together like cats and water. Now, you can make those two twains meet with these decorative and shockingly flat cat towels! These are not towels for your cats, unless you want them to be. I have no interest in judging you. Do what you want. But they are specifically designed to dry your dishes while looking like cats. Flat cats. Like cats that found their way to the interstate, but without the tire marks and blood. Why not dry a cereal bowl with a cat? Those little jerks are going to get into your sink and lick your used plates anyway. Think of it as vicarious vengeance.
Order your Cat Towels here.
Automatic Feather Exercise Toy
It’s an ornithobic nightmare that your cat will probably love! Sure, they sit for hours and stare at the window as birds fly by or light upon your sill. Why not bring a fake bird inside and attach it to a set of wheels? It looks like someone drove over Wayland Flowers and Madame with a Roomba, but your cat will love it. This toy has two motors so it is strong enough to extricate itself from tight situations. With a flashy and colorful faux fowl and two big rubber tires, this toy will set your cat’s inner predator free without all that bone-crushing and abject terror.
Order your Automatic Feather Exercise Toy here.
Floppy Wiggle Fish
Fish are the natural enemies of cats, often wriggling their way out of the water to attack cats while they sleep. [Editor’s Note: That’s not true.] Cats love fish, especially when they can leap upon their scaly faces and sink their sharp teeth into their tender flesh. This floppy wiggle fish toy allows your kitties to get the drop on those nefarious fish, without the smell or that horrible gasping face that fish out of water make. Throw this toy on the floor and watch it flop around like, well, a fish. Because it’s pretty much a fish. Even if your cat doesn’t know what a fish looks like, you can bet your pretty pet cat will try to make that fish stop moving. For the love of all that is holy, please make it stop.
You can order your Floppy Wiggle Fish here.
How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety
In the life of every cat owner, there comes a time when difficult discussions must be had with your pet. It doesn’t matter that cats don’t speak human languages. You can tell them things and you know they know. When your cat comes to you wondering how to safely handle firearms, this book will guide you through those hard conversations. Tell your cat how to avoid drugs or what to do when Satanists approach. Honestly, you should probably let the Satanists talk. Author Zachary Auburn has been there, done that, and gotten the claw marks. Listen to the voice of experience and buy this book. Look: an entire generation trusted Dr. Spock and Dr. James Dobson for child-raising advice. Why not Auburn? Why not cats? If not meow, when?
Order your copy of How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety here.