If you listen closely, off in the distance you’ll hear the sound of champions clashing! Or, that could be my stomach growling. Regardless, it’s time once again for WWE’s Clash of Champions, the pay-per-view where every single WWE championship will be defended! There’s also a Roman Reigns match. You know what they say. “Can’t have a show without Ro!” Who will retain and what will be left of them? Let’s take a look at the card.
Universal Championship — Seth Rollins (c) vs. Braun Strowman: The thing that makes this match intriguing is the fact that Rollins and Strowman are already the RAW tag team champions. They both already have belts with each other. How is going to pan out when they have to battle for the Universal Championship? Not to mention, depending on how the show is booked, this could be the second match of the night for both competitors. The only reason I can see for Strowman to become Universal Champ is so he can meet The Fiend at Hell in a Cell. This allows The Fiend to go on and face Brock Lesnar for a championship match at some point in the future. That’s what I would do if I were booking, because it would be great. That means it probably isn’t going to happen. I’m looking for Rollins to retain.
WWE Championship — Kofi Kingston (c) vs. Randy Orton: Oh, look. It’s Randy Orton. He lumbers around like a Minecraft character your three-year-old would make. He calls Kofi “stupid.” Orton is a supermarket coin-machine finger puppet of a wrestler, and Vince loves the guy. I won’t be shocked if Orton wins, but I will be sad and forlorn at the thought of sitting through another championship run by The Viper. Irrationally, I think that WWE likes to see me sad. They hate me. They spy on me while I write these prediction articles. Therefore, Orton picks up the victory while Kofi’s kids cry at ringside. I sincerely hope I am drunk by then.
RAW Women’s Championship — Becky Lynch (c) vs. Sasha Banks: I believe the women’s matches are going to steal Clash of Champions. This one should be amazing. Banks left WWE for a while and came back immeasurably better in every way. Her mic skills improved. Her hair color was bluer. Most importantly, she is crazy better in the ring. Lynch will have her work cut out for her. Not that it will matter. I’m predicting a Banks win in this match for reasons detailed below.
SmackDown Live Women’s Championship — Bayley (c) vs. Charlotte Flair: Straight up, Bayley is going to retain her title. Here’s why. A win by the Hugger gives both her and Sasha Banks some gold. This puts a heel team on top of the women’s tag division. It also gives Becky and Charlotte a reason to become friends again and start a program with the Boss and Hug Connection. That puts the Four Horsewomen of WWE back into the picture. Flash forward to WrestleMania 36, when the Four Horsewomen of MMA/NXT roll into the main roster. Enemies will be forced to work together against a common foe. It’s classic wrestling stuff. We’re going to get that dream match, people, and it’s going to be sooner than we think.
Roman Reigns vs. Erick Rowan (No Disqualification Match): LOL ROMAN WINS
Intercontinental Championship — Shinsuke Nakamura (c) vs. The Miz: Sure, Nakamura has the title, but what has he done with it? Kinshasa the local talent while Sami Zayn yammers incessantly? Boring. The title isn’t helping Shinsuke be the rock star he was destined to be. The Miz, on the other hand, loves that title more than he loves a good Snickers bar or a clear wireless phone connection. Let The Miz have the title so we can do something meaningful with the Intercontinental Championship again.
RAW Tag Team Championship — Seth Rollins & Braun Strowman (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler & Robert Roode: Here’s the other half of the Rollins/Strowman picture. Can they keep the tag team titles against Dolph Ziggler and Robert/Bobby/Bobert Roode? [Let’s just call him Bobert, because I think it’s funny.] Dolph and Bobert work better than expected together. That’s because they’re both veterans who can work with anyone. But Seth and Braun were thrown together, just like Dolph and Bobert. My heart tells me that taking a belt of Seth Freakin’ Rollins is bad for business. And yet, my head tells me that WWE is tapping my phone lines because they think I know too much. After a resigned coin flip, I’m picking Dolph and Bobert for a short-lived tag team title reign.
SmackDown Live Tag Team Championship — The New Day (c) vs. The Revival: The Revival bore the skin off my eyeballs. Those guys, in the same ring with The New Day, is like putting a circus next to an economics seminar. Dash and Dawson will want to keep it as more of a technical match. On the other hand, Big E will want to come as close to teabagging an opponent as possible. As long as Xavier Woods gets rag-dolled for a while, it will be a typical match for The New Day. I’m giving this match to The New Day because I will almost always go against The Revival. Good grief. They’re like a stringy pot roast in a prime rib world.
Women’s Tag Team Championship — Alexa Bliss & Nikki Cross (c) vs. Fire & Desire: I’m not sure how this works. Is Mandy Rose the Desire part of this team, and Sonya DeVille the Fire? Is it the other way around? I guess it doesn’t matter when your tag team is named after a Rick James song. Rose and DeVille have beaten the champs in a non-title match, so they can win. Bliss and Cross, though, have gelled as a team better than anyone thought they would. I would like to see Bliss and Cross keep the titles, but I think it’s time for Fire and Desire (or Desire and Fire) to have their time at the top.
US Title — AJ Styles (c) vs. Cedric Alexander — The Club is a thing now, whether we like it or not. AJ Styles has tons of heat as a bad guy. His buddies, Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson, are actually being allowed to wrestle. This beats just being henchmen, which they still are most of the time. Enter Cedric Alexander, who is good. He’s damned good. Alexander has a lot of the characteristics AJ had twenty years ago. Cedric is fast and smart, with an unbelievable offense. If anyone were to beat Styles for the US Title, it would be Cedric Alexander. He won’t, though! Not this time. Look for some janky disqualification involving Gallows, Anderson, a referee distraction, and a chair. If we’re lucky, there’s a table. Either way, Styles retains, the South rises again, and the gay community rolls their eyes.
Cruiserweight Championship — Drew Gulak (c) vs. Humberto Carrillo vs. Lince Dorado: Once again, I implore you: do not sleep on the cruiserweight division. This match, all twelve minutes of it, is going to be a humdinger. Gulak is a great champion, but Lince Dorado does all that flippy shit Jim Cornette hates. Humberto Carillo is poster boy pretty, and the kid can work. I’m calling this one for Carillo. Let’s see how handsome he is with a target on his face. That’s the saying, right? Face targets?
WWE’s Clash of Champions will take place at Spectrum Center in Charlotte, North Carolina on September 15. The kick-off show airs at 6 PM EST. main card begins at 7 PM EST and can be seen on the WWE Network.