A new website called Eavesdropper has been posting scandalous private information about South Park Elementary students online. The latest victim – Pete Melvin – craps his pants at school, becoming the latest subject of ridicule.
As a proactive measure, the Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey and the woodshop teacher (who I thought had died in a much earlier episode – who IS that guy?) call Eric Cartman for a chat. It seems Cartman’s previous bullying victim committed suicide – so when it comes to Pete Melvin, Cartman is asked to just let it go.
Cartman defends his actions through the spread of information,“Pete Melvin was dead as soon as he crapped his pants” – but the staff are able to bribe him in to turning the situation around. If Pete Melvin doesn’t kill himself, Cartman will be given whatever he wants.
Cartman hatches a plan to put a different student in the Eavesdropper spotlight. Spiking a cupcake guaranteed to induce an embrassing incident, Cartman coerces a young girl (Jenny Simons) in to eating it and then crapping her pants violently in class.
Unfortunately, she also barely survives the fall when she throws herself off the school roof. On suicide watch, the girl poses the same problem to the school staff – no one was supposed to kill themselves. “So nobody can be made fun of for crapping their pants, AND nobody must die??” asks Cartman, “… jesus.”
Of course Eavesdropper is as popular as ever, and Stan is enjoying the gossip until his name appears on the site. His hacked comments to Kenny reveal his addiction to ‘crack’ (specifically Elise Thompson’s butt crack), and suddenly Eavesdropper isn’t funny anmore. The boys set out to find the person behind the gosssip site and shut them down. Little did they know, they were going up against the legendary Wikileaks.
Meanwhile, Cartman has helped school staff to hatch a plan of their own. By spiking the entire school’s pizza lunch with laxatives and Arby’s horsey sauce, they plan to make the entire school crap their pants and thus, level the bullying field. Unfortunately, Wikileaks eavesdrops on their plans and runs off with the evidence to blow the scandal wide open.
Enter Catafish… a great wizard, and a friend, and a ghost – besides of course being a fish – who comes asking for their help. Catafish has also been victimized by Wikileaks, accused online of performing Bass to Mouth with an under-aged Salmon (he didn’t do anything, if she wanted to do ass to trout, that’s HER fault). And so he explains the truth behind the Eavesdropper website, and enlists their help to bring Lemmiwinks to confront his brother. Lemmiwinks, king of Gerbils, stop your brother of doom!
As the school staff desperately try to decide what to do about the impending scandal, it could be broken on Eavesdropper at any moment. But Mackey has an idea… What’s bigger than a poisoning scandal story? A student suicide story. So naturally, they decide to throw Cartman under the a bus.
With time is running out and Wikileaks preparing to post the biggest scandal ever on Eavesdropper, only one gerbil can stop him. Luckily (seriously, they take public transit to get there) the boys arrive with Lemmiwinks just in time for an epic final battle.
Sigh… so “Long are the Battle of Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks…” but eventually the gerbil king triumphs over his evil brother and kills the evil Wikileaks. It’s got to be easier than escaping from Mr. Slave’s ass, right?
In conclusion, I can’t say I’m convinced there’s any profound statement for or against Julian Assange here… but what I can say is that Cartman doesn’t take getting thrown under a bus lightly, and Horsey sauce is evil.
