Washout – Andy Burns on Whiteout, one of the worst films he’s ever seen.

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You know you’re watching a bad movie when you’re sitting there for free and you’re still thinking about walking out.

Such was the case with Whiteout, the new Kate Beckinsale film that is hands down one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life. Bad story. Horrible acting. Awful dialogue. Subpar editing. Everything that makes a movie absolutely retched, Whiteout has in abundance. Consider yourself forewarned if you decide this might be a good way to kill a few hours. It absolutely is not.

Directed by Dominic Sena, Whiteout is the story of a federal marshall (Beckinsale, who mails this one in) stationed in Antartica forced to investigate a murder three days before the base is cut off from the rest of the world for the winter. On the way is a dreaded storm, the whiteout. I won’t give you any spoilers except to say that watching that movie spoiled the enjoyment of the popcorn I was eating.

Here’s just a sampling of what’s wrong with Whiteout:

– Little to no character development, and when you get some it’s half-assed. The flashbacks to Beckinsale’s past were totally hackneyed, and while designed to demonstrate how she’d lost her ability to trust people, they wind up irrelevant and inconsequential.

– Characters come and go and given no explanation.

– A close-up shot of someone who has been shot in the head is matched with the priceless dialogue – “this guy looks like he was shot in the head”. 

– The script is totally predictable, but even when you can figure out the whodunit part of the film about 5 minutes in, the character’s motivation is illogical and poorly explained.

Whiteout has been sitting on shelf for two years and its easy to see why. I’m assuming it could have been better, seeing as how it’s based on a graphic novel by Greg Rucka, who is actually a stellar comic book writer (read more about him here). It really couldn’t have been much worse.

Avoid at all costs.

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